Parenting stuff...

I had a good friend ask me to write a blog about parenting, dealing with toddlers, addressing some typical age appropriate behavior struggles, what we do for discipline with our younger kids and the typical struggles that ALLLLLLLLLLLL parents experience at various points in this parenting gig.  First, I have to say that I’m honored that someone would be so kind, and to think “so much” of my parenting, to ask these things of me.  I’m blown away and I’m feeling ALL. THE. FEELS. about it!!!!

So, I’ve pondered this, and spent time trying to brainstorm on this topic, and the more I do that, the more I realize – I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.  Honestly, a lot of what I do as a parent with respect to discipline and teaching my kids is mostly trial and error.  There are some basic things that I can spell out, which I follow.   But honest to god, there’s a lot of “well, that didn’t fucking work” running through my mind.   Also, I read this book a few years back when I was having some struggles with the Triplets, and I think it's time to whip it out again!  The New Strong Willed Child, By Dr. James. Dobson

I will also say this… with respect to my older kids, I’m often told they are very well behaved in public. While this is an awesome compliment and holds true often, please understand that they save almost ALL THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR for home.  I promise you that the angelic behavior you see at the restaurant on a Tuesday afternoon, or at the park on a Friday morning, is NOT always our reality.  I feel very lucky that they save their melt downs, and break downs, and questionable behavior and attitudes for the home- it’s clearly where they feel the safest to let it all go.  But please KNOW, that they aren’t always as well behaved as they appear!

1   1. Instruct and Redirect

This means, when I tell my toddler “no, we don’t play with XYZ” I don’t just leave it at that.  I give the instruction, but then I immediately redirect with “but you can play with this toy” or “but let’s find you a toy you can have” or something similar depending on the situation and location at the time.

2  2. Timeouts last as long as their age

This one is pretty simple- if you’re 2, you’re in timeout for 2 minutes.  We have a set timeout location at our home, at my parents’ home, and other places we frequent.  At this age (Makoa being 2.5) we do not use the bedroom or the bed as a punishment, because we do not want negative connotations associated with sleep time.  That being said, sometimes we DO ask if he’s tired and WANTS to go to sleep.  But in our home, we do not do “you’re going to your room” or “you’re going to bed” as a full on punishment.

              

3  3. We require apologies

An apology can be an “I’m sorry” or it can be in the form of a hug at this age.  This works for us, and Makoa is capable of doing both. 

4 4. We pick our battles

Decide some behaviors that are really important to you, set your limits and most importantly- follow through. 

5  5. Follow through and making sure the punishment fits the “crime”

I had this horrific parenting experience with the Triplets when they were little (horrifically devastating for me, I might clarify).  They were all acting out, and I made the “threat” that if they did it one more time, they were going to bed without dinner.  Now, they we’re about 5, so it’s not like I was withholding food from a very young child.  They were old enough to comprehend that actions DO have consequences and mom DOES mean business.  That being said, they were tired and had an unusually rough day with some schedule changes that were out of the norm AND, my punishment was much more severe than it needed to be.  Unfortunately, they did what I explicitly told them not to, and I felt my only option was to follow through with my threat.  I feel very strongly that you don’t follow through, your kids come to learn that your words hold no meaning.  They know they can get away with it because mom or dad won’t actually do what they threatened. But there were 4 people crying in bed that night in our house.  Them, because they were being punished (that’s to be expected of punishments sometimes- there WILL be tears) and ME, because I knew the punishment I gave, didn’t fit the crime. 
 

That was a really big lesson for me as a parent.  It was a humbling experience for me, and a good reminder to always remember to be aware of the punishments I’m stating, because I believe 100% in following through. 

Again, I’m no parenting expert.  I have no degrees in this area.  A large majority of what I do with my 5 kids has been following these 5 things I wrote here, and trial and error.  What works for my daughter, does NOT work for my older boys.  What works for Makoa, does NOT work for Kaleo.  Every kid is so very different (which was pretty shocking to me with my identical twin boys) and sometimes you have to test a few things out before you find what really works for your kid, and your family.